Seniors Travel

Running of the Seniors will work, and thats no bull

© by Mike Keenan

As expected, Mayor McMullan has failed to organize a Senior's Advisory Council to help solve municipal problems. And sadly, I've notice that tourism has been hard hit again this year. I am amazed at how municipal councils cannot think outside the sandbox to deal with this economic issue. As a taste of what Mayor McMullan might have had, I will provide two sure-fire winning solutions that will boost tourism to Port Dalhousie condo height.
      Every year, we watch in wonder as idiots from around the world compete in Pamplona Spain's "running of the bulls," which merits prime-time coverage by all bonafide media, even Fox News. Mention "Pamplona;" immediately, people respond, "Running of the bulls. The wife and I have every intention to participate."
      Isn't the solution obvious? What do we have in excess in Niagara that does not run very well and is sure to provide amusing camera pictures throughout the world? Seniors! In Niagara on the Lake, the average age is 87. I kid you not. While citizens forever bicker about the pros and cons of the TSO, the local Chamber of Commerce sits on its butt. They've seen the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Can't they make the leap to the "Running of the Seniors" in Niagara on the Lake?
      We can't use real bulls. That's too dangerous, but what animal takes the place of a bull? Of course, local politicians, well acquainted with bull. Line up all of the municipal, regional, provincial and federal politicians from Niagara behind a rope at the Fort George entrance, and allow seniors a two-minute head start, then release the swarm of politicians, arms extended in phony handshake gesture while looking the other way, charging hard after panicked voters fleeing like crazy from wild beasts identified by means of an "HST banner" attached at the waist.
      Imagine evocative pictures of seniors desperate to escape plastered all over TV, the Internet and print media. Battered and bruised Matilda Morningstar, interviewed by CBC, blurts: "Wow, it was great fun; I can hardly wait until next year when I get my wheelchair fixed." Seniors from as far afield as Oz will attend, and it will be marketed by churches as a senior pilgrimage. "I told my family that I just had to do it," North Korean Kim Jong-il will intone. "I love to chase and scare people." Municipal officials, get it? Yes, celebrity politicians and seniors. Hazel McCallion would be a great addition. As they say in marketing, this baby has legs.
      Okay, jump to the wine promotion bandwagon. What group has Niagara marketing totally forgotten? Thank you Mr. Disney; yes, it's the youth demographic. Now that St. Paul Street is two-way and badly needing development, you employ a week-long "Grapes of Wrath Festival for Kids," but there is no drinking. We borrow again from Spain, La Tomatina, a food fight held on the last Wednesday of August in Bunol. Tens of thousands of participants come from all over the world to fight in a brutal tomato throwing battle where more than one hundred metric tons of over-ripe produce is tossed in the streets.
      Think of the media coverage. Mayor McMullan could encourage community versus community competition, say one day, Port Colborne versus Fort Erie on either side of St. Paul, but let's hope nobody gets hurt and has to visit a hospital. The kids on either side throw excess "Cellared-in-Niagara" grapes at each other. They could use water guns to propel the grapes.
      Think of the value-added merchandizing for astute entrepreneurs. T-shirts: "I survived St. Catharine's Grapes of Wrath!" Toy guns for shooting grapes which attracts the gun-totting Americans. Imagine a grandparent in Buffalo, New York? "Johnny, do you want to go to Disneyworld or this year's Grapes of Wrath Festival?" "Grapes of wrath!!! Please, gramps, please!"
      If Mayor McMullan and other appreciative regional politicians want to thank me for these new multi-million dollar tourism attractions, I would be flattered to meet them in any local hotel whereupon they might hand me some ready cash, preferably large bills in a plain envelope.